Am I repeating my marriage's pursue-and-withdraw pattern by text?

Possibly, and the fact that you are asking is a good sign. If you notice yourself sending more and more when replies slow down, or going quiet the moment a conversation starts to feel heavy, the pattern from your marriage may be running again on a new screen. That does not mean the new relationship is doomed, or that the new person is your ex.

What did the pattern look like in the marriage?

Most divorced people can describe it in a sentence. One of you brought things up. The other went to the garage, the gym or the phone. The more one pressed, the more the other pulled away, and the more the other pulled away, the harder the first one pressed.

Researchers call this demand and withdraw, and it is one of the best studied patterns in couples research. A 2014 meta-analysis pooled 74 studies with about 14,000 participants and found it linked to lower relationship satisfaction, less intimacy and poorer communication.1

It is worth saying plainly: a pattern like this is two people’s moves, not one person’s fault. Whoever pursued was usually trying to get close. Whoever withdrew was usually trying to keep things from getting worse. Both moves make sense from the inside. Together, they lock.

How does it show up by text?

Take Dana, 47, two years out of a 19-year marriage. In the marriage, she was the one who raised things. Now she is seeing Marcus. On a Saturday he goes quiet after a slightly tense exchange about plans. By Sunday morning she has sent four messages: a joke, a question, a “Did I upset you?”, and a “Fine, whatever.” He replies at noon with one line. She reads it as distance. He reads her four messages as a storm he would rather wait out.

Researchers often describe attachment as two sliding dials. One is anxiety, a worry about being let go. The other is avoidance, discomfort with closeness or depending on someone. In a study of 175 couples aged 18 to 72, avoidance was more strongly tied to a person’s own withdrawing than to demanding, and the combination of one partner withdrawing while the other demanded was linked to lower satisfaction for both of them.2

Texting gives that loop a fast track. In a 2022 study of 302 partnered college students, people higher in anxiety wanted more messages than they got and replied faster than their partners, while people higher in avoidance wanted fewer messages, sent fewer and replied more slowly.3 Put those two habits on one thread and every gap becomes a signal to one person and every follow-up becomes pressure to the other.

Is it the same pattern, or a different person?

Here is the hopeful part. Even inside marriages, demand and withdraw is not a simple countdown. In a longitudinal study of 46 married couples, the pattern was tied to lower satisfaction to some degree, but it also predicted increases in wives’ satisfaction over time, and the researcher concluded that how couples go about it may matter as much as whether they do it.4

So a familiar feeling is not the same as a familiar outcome. Before you decide the old film is playing again, check the ordinary explanations. Marcus may have a Saturday shift, a teenager who needed driving, or a habit of not looking at his phone on weekends. He may simply be someone who prefers to talk in person. Different families, cultures and generations have very different texting norms.

Which side were you on, and has it switched?

Many people assume they will play the same role forever. Often they do not. Someone who withdrew in the marriage may find themselves pursuing now, because the stakes of starting over feel high. Someone who pursued for twenty years may find they are tired of chasing and go cold at the first sign of distance. Where you sit on the two dials can shift with the person and with what you have been through.

That is useful to know, because it means the pattern is not who you are. It is a set of moves you learned, and moves can be changed.

How do you interrupt it by text?

You only control your half, and that is enough to change the rhythm.

If you tend to pursue:

• Send one message, then wait. Do something else for an hour.
• Name the need instead of chasing an answer: “I feel better when I know we’re okay after a tense chat. Can we talk tonight?”
• Read one slow reply as one slow reply, not a ruling.

If you tend to withdraw:

• Say you need time, and say when you will be back: “I need tonight to think. Can we talk tomorrow at 7?”
• A short honest message beats a long silence.

Either way:

• Move anything emotionally loaded to a call or a face-to-face conversation.
• Agree a rough rhythm early, while things are calm.

What did the marriage actually teach you?

Not that your ex was the problem, and not that you were. It taught you what the loop feels like from the inside: the rising heat when a reply is late, or the urge to shut the door when a message feels like a demand. That knowledge is an advantage now. You can recognize the first step of the dance before you take it.

If the old feelings are intense or are getting in the way of daily life, a licensed therapist can help you work through what the marriage left behind.

What the research doesn’t tell us

Most demand and withdraw studies looked at married or long-term couples talking face to face, not new partners texting. The texting study used college students. None of this can tell you what a specific person means by a specific silence.

What to do this week

• Write down your move. When a reply is slow, what do you do in the first hour?
• Count before you send. If you have sent two unanswered messages, stop at two.
• Say the need once, plainly, in person or on a call.
• Check the ordinary explanations before the old story.
• Notice when the new person does something your ex never did. Write that down too.